dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
