I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
