Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
