My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
