I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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