he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize