Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
