I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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