I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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