I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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