After last night, I could never be a politician.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
