I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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