what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
