I think I am morally bankrupt
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
