why do cheetos always look like penises
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
