I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
