I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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