i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
