Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
