New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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