Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
