maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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