So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
