You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
