I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
