You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
