Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
