Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
