another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want to fling myself into the sun
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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