So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
