I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
