If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
