All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
