great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
