my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
