hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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