I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm both gender and math confused
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
