He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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