I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
