Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
