Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
