also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
