he wants to bone in the snuggie
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
