I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
