my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
