please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
