eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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