mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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