I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
