my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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