after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we're making bets on your personal life
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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