i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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