I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
