Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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