matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
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