At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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