I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
