We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
