Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you could order shots online.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
